i’m on the [[call]] making nice with mike a. or is it (link:"mark b.")[some other name that i'm getting wrong - it's on his zoom id but buried under windows and windows and windows] and whose always early like [[me]] i can see his **wood** lined [[basement]] so he gets anxious and switches off the video when i mention we would make out in my paneled rec room when we were [[kids]] wet **sloppy sunshine kisses** in practice one time i didn’t get anyone so i listened to everyone’s sweet mouths **[[slurp]]** while i sat in the dark my hands on **wood** trying not to [[rub]] through the thin cotton shorts cold now [[bitter aged]] dark night far-far away from the *sticky-soaked mouths* of yesterday as the conference begins i still taste the pink lip gloss that (link: "kim w.")[kim w. or her sister sheila w. or maryanne m] would smear on because she didn’t like how i tasted but loved the way i kissed *bubblegum* still makes my **wood** (link:"hard")[dream of those dark basement nights] as i try to concentrate on the next meeting and not the yesterday's **candy kisses**.
i hate the way the camera makes me look all washed out and pasty with the lamp angled wrong in my cluttered office i'm embarrassed by the way my hair sticks up in strange wings and my neck looks on screeni've always been early too afraid of being left out by others because when i was a kid i was always picked last and made fun of because i was kinda heavy and if i'm early no one can make fun of me because i'm late or fat or whateveri grew up in etobicoke a suburb of toronto in ontario in canada after moving here from england in the 1970's because everyone was getting the fuck out of britain back then and we did too even though i didn't know what canada was all about back then i thought there were tigers and elephants in canada not the sun-choked skies and apartments and big cats and open space that i'd never seen beforeteens really because i remember how we were all growing into our parts and anxious to explore them and show them and taste each others and **kiss** them in the dark because it wasn't wrong back then like it is now
but we wouldn't touch anyone else but ourselves because that's not what this was about
i wouldn't touch anyone but **they** could feel me swollen and hungry against them and that was enough this was the summer i fell in love with suntan lotion (hawaiian tropic) and shampoo and anything i could get my hands on to lubricate myself and get off in the bathroom when the door was locked alone in the dark by myselftongues slipping into each others mouth over and through and wet and yours and mine and ours and then someone elses in the dark because we didn't care who we kissed and nobody would say **anything** if you kissed a boy because it was a mistake when no one could see but maybe it wasn't and that was okay tooi don't feel the same way i did back then when everything was **possible** and **nobody** judged you other than how well you *kissed* and that was all we did i think but i can't really remember it was all that i did anyway and maybe others did more but i was okay with kisses and nobody complained or anything not like now when everythings a chore and i don't get kissed any more by anyone because the basement is gone
and i'm all